my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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