I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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