"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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