Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
