She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
