i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize