mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
