just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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