It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
