The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
