hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
we're making bets on your personal life
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
