even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize