I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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