I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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