I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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