I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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