worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
