great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
