apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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