You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
