i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
