I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
where am i from again
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize