also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
