i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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