your parents love me but you hate me
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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