sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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