i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
