By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
