Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
