Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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