Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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