wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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