Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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