I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
