does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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