Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
