god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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