Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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