will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
