Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize