He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
