he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize