I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
