I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
