Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
