Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
