I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
