I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
