Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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