Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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