WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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