Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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