I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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