i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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