there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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