Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
