My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
