Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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