I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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