So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
