I am spending my child support on dildos
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
