I will die if light touches me.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize