I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
