I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
