I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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