He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
